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Shadow Work, Archetypes and Psychotherapy

What is shadow work?

Shadow work refers to the psychological process of exploring the unconscious or hidden aspects of one’s personality, often called the “shadow self”. The concept comes from the ideas of Swiss psychoanalyst Carl Jung, who believed that the shadow represents the hidden and repressed parts of the psyche that people tend to reject or ignore.

The goal of shadow work is to become aware of these unconscious aspects of oneself, integrate them, and ultimately achieve a greater sense of wholeness and self-acceptance. It involves exploring traits, emotions, behaviors, and desires that one may find unacceptable or uncomfortable, but which are nonetheless a part of one’s being.

Some key aspects of shadow work include:

  • Self-reflection and self-inquiry to uncover repressed thoughts, feelings, and impulses.
  • Working with dreams, active imagination, journaling, and other introspective practices to access the unconscious mind.
  • Examining personal projections and how one may be attributing unacknowledged aspects of oneself onto others.
  • Developing self-compassion and embracing the full range of human experience, including the “darker” aspects.

The process can be challenging, as it involves confronting parts of oneself that may be seen as shameful, undesirable, or even frightening. However, many proponents of shadow work believe that integrating the shadow self can lead to greater authenticity, self-awareness, and psychological growth.

What is the role of archetypal theory in psychotherapy?

Archetypal theory plays an important role in certain approaches to psychotherapy, particularly those influenced by the work of Carl Jung and his conceptualization of the collective unconscious.

In Jungian psychology, archetypes are understood as universal, innate patterns or motifs that derive from the collective unconscious and are expressed in various symbolic forms across cultures and throughout human history. Some key archetypes include the mother, father, hero, trickster, and wise old man/woman.

The role of archetypal theory in psychotherapy can include:

  • Providing a framework for understanding universal human experiences, behaviors, and conflicts through the lens of archetypal narratives and symbolism.
  • Helping clients gain insight into their own psyche and inner dynamics by exploring how archetypes may be manifesting or influencing their thoughts, emotions, and actions.
  • Using archetypal imagery, myths, and stories as entry points for self-discovery and meaning-making in the therapeutic process.
    Identifying archetypal patterns or roles that clients may be enacting or projecting onto others in their lives.
  • Working with dreams, fantasies, and creative expressions as portals into the symbolic world of the unconscious and the archetypes that reside there.
  • Archetypal psychotherapy approaches, such as those developed by James Hillman and others, aim to help individuals connect with these primordial, symbolic patterns as a way to access deeper layers of the psyche and tap into sources of wisdom, creativity, and transformation.

What did Moore and Gillette regard as the prime archetypes worthy of examination?

Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette, authors of the influential book “King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine,” identified four primary archetypes that they considered crucial for men to understand and integrate as part of their journey towards psychological maturity and wholeness.

These four archetypes are:

The King: Representing the archetypical energy of ordered consciousness, responsibility, authority, and leadership. The King archetype is associated with qualities like self-discipline, fairness, and the ability to create structure and establish boundaries.

The Warrior: Embodying the archetypal energies of courage, assertiveness, resilience, and the willingness to engage in conflict or struggle when necessary. The Warrior archetype is linked to qualities like passion, integrity, and the ability to take decisive action.

The Magician: Representing the archetypal energy of knowledge, wisdom, self-reflection, and the pursuit of spiritual or psychological transformation. The Magician archetype is associated with qualities like curiosity, intuition, and the capacity for deep introspection.

The Lover: Embodying the archetypal energies of sensuality, intimacy, creativity, and the ability to form deep connections with others and the world around us. The Lover archetype is linked to qualities like empathy, playfulness, and the ability to appreciate beauty.

According to Moore and Gillette, these four archetypes, when properly understood and integrated, can help men develop a more balanced, mature, and authentic sense of masculinity, while also cultivating greater self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and overall psychological well-being.

What contribution did other authors make to this field?

Rod Boothroyd explained archetypal theory and its application in psychotherapy, particularly in relation to understanding and working with the archetypes of the masculine psyche. He also emphasized the importance of working with masculine archetypes in psychotherapy, particularly for men who may have experienced trauma, oppression, or disconnection from their authentic masculine identity. Together with Marianne Hill, he developed therapeutic techniques and approaches that incorporated archetypal exploration and imagery as a means of accessing and exploring the unconscious dimensions of the psyche. They also developed a training program which has now produced a number of successful shadow work coaches who are seeing clients in the UK.

His book Warrior Magician Lover King, A Guide to The Male Archetypes Updated for the 21st Century is a modern interpretation and expansion of the four male archetypes originally outlined by Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette in their book “King, Warrior, Magician, Lover.”

In his work, published in the USA market as well as the European market, Rod provides an updated perspective on these classic male archetypes, examining how they manifest and can be integrated in the context of the 21st century. His key contributions include:

  • Updating the understanding of the King, Warrior, Magician, and Lover archetypes to reflect contemporary masculinities and challenges.
  • Exploring the “shadow” aspects of each archetype and how to work with them.
  • Discussing the integration of the archetypes within the framework of modern male spirituality.
  • Offering practical guidance for men to embody these archetypes in healthy, balanced ways in their personal and professional lives.

A video explaining shadow work

A video explaining the shadow work training

Shadow Work & The Unlived Life

The unlived life.

The concept of the “unlived life” is often associated with unfulfilled potential, missed opportunities, and the paths not taken in one’s personal or professional journey. It’s a philosophical and existential idea that reflects on the choices we make and the alternate possibilities that exist alongside the life we actually lead.

The notion of the unlived life is deeply rooted in the human experience of decision-making and the consequences of those decisions. It raises questions about the impact of our choices on the course of our lives and whether the paths we didn’t choose could have led to different, potentially more fulfilling, outcomes.

People may reflect on their unlived lives during moments of introspection or life transitions, contemplating what might have been if they had pursued different goals, relationships, or opportunities. This reflection can be both a source of regret and a catalyst for personal growth, prompting individuals to reassess their priorities and make intentional choices that align more closely with their values and aspirations.

Ultimately, the concept of the unlived life encourages us to consider the complexity of human existence, the dynamic nature of personal development, and the ongoing process of self-discovery. It highlights the importance of mindful decision-making and the recognition that life is a continuous journey with myriad possibilities, even as we navigate the chosen paths that shape our lived experiences.

How can manifestation help me get over my unlived life?

Manifestation, often associated with the law of attraction, is the belief that positive thinking and visualization can bring about desired outcomes in one’s life. While manifestation is not a guaranteed solution and should be approached with a realistic mindset, some people find it helpful in fostering a positive outlook and taking intentional steps toward their goals. Here are some ways in which manifestation might assist you in moving forward from feelings associated with the unlived life.

Video – the unlived life

Manifestation encourages you to clearly define your goals and aspirations. By identifying what you truly want, you can focus your energy and efforts on those specific areas of your life, reducing the sense of missed opportunities. Visualization is a key component of manifestation. Envisioning a positive future, including the achievements and experiences you desire, can help shift your mindset away from regret and toward a more optimistic perspective.

Affirmations involve repeating positive statements about yourself and your goals. By regularly affirming what you want to achieve, you reinforce a positive mindset and build self-confidence, which can be instrumental in overcoming feelings of unlived potential. While manifestation emphasizes positive thinking, it’s crucial to pair it with intentional actions. Take practical steps toward your goals, breaking them down into manageable tasks. This proactive approach can help you move beyond contemplation and into tangible progress. 

Manifestation often incorporates gratitude as a powerful tool. Expressing gratitude for the opportunities and experiences you’ve had, as well as those that lie ahead, can shift your focus away from what might have been and toward appreciation for the present and future possibilities. Manifestation encourages living in the present moment, appreciating what you have while working toward what you desire. Practicing mindfulness can help you let go of past regrets and future anxieties, allowing you to be fully present in your current experiences.

It’s important to note that manifestation is not a substitute for concrete actions or professional guidance, especially if you’re dealing with deep-seated emotions or regrets. Combining positive mindset practices with thoughtful, practical steps toward your goals can be a holistic approach to addressing the impact of the unlived life on your well-being.

Can shadow work help me reconcile myself to the unlived life?

Shadow work, a concept rooted in Jungian psychology, involves exploring and integrating the unconscious aspects of oneself that have been suppressed, denied, or ignored. The “shadow” represents the hidden or less conscious parts of our personality, including aspects that may be considered negative, undesirable, or socially unacceptable. The process of shadow work aims to bring these aspects into conscious awareness, fostering self-awareness and personal growth.

The notion of the “unlived life” often refers to potential or unrealized aspects of oneself, including unexpressed desires, talents, or dreams. Reconciling with the unlived life involves acknowledging and embracing these unrealized aspects. This is where shadow work can help.

Here’s how shadow work might help you in reconciling yourself with the unlived life:

A film about shadow work

A film about shadow work training

Identification of Unconscious Patterns: Shadow work helps you identify patterns of thought, behavior, and emotions that are operating at a subconscious level. By bringing these patterns into awareness, you can better understand why certain aspects of your potential may have been suppressed or overlooked.

Exploration of Unconscious Desires: Through introspection and reflection, shadow work allows you to explore desires, aspirations, or talents that may have been buried or dismissed. This process helps you recognize what you truly want and what might be holding you back from pursuing those aspects of your life.

Integration of your Shadow Aspects is described in this book by Rod Boothroyd. Shadow work involves accepting and integrating the shadow aspects, acknowledging that they are a natural part of your psyche. This integration can lead to a more authentic and balanced expression of yourself, allowing you to embrace the unlived life without judgment.

Increased Self-Acceptance: Reconciliation with the unlived life often involves self-acceptance and self-love. Shadow work encourages compassion toward oneself and understanding that imperfections and unmet potential are part of the human experience.

Empowerment and Personal Growth: By addressing the shadow and embracing the unlived life, you may experience a sense of empowerment and personal growth. This can lead to making conscious choices that align with your authentic self and pursuing the life you truly want to live.

It’s important to note that shadow work is a deeply personal and ongoing process. Consider engaging in this exploration with the support of a therapist or counselor who is familiar with Jungian psychology or other therapeutic approaches that incorporate shadow work. They can provide guidance and create a safe space for you to explore and integrate these aspects of yourself.

Manifestation – A Universal Law

The Law of Creation

There are some simple but fundamental principles of manifestation which you need to know before you even try and co-create your reality.

Why do I say “co-create”? Because you are not responsible for creating your reality alone; the universe is deeply involved with it!

Certainly when you set out to manifest an objective using the Law of Creation, or the Law of Attraction as it is sometimes known, you are setting into motion a series of universal forces which you can’t directly observe.

In essence, by coming up with an objective, and then “releasing” it to the universe, you are asking the universe to set in chain a series of coincidences and synchronicities which will bring it about – i.e manifest.

However, the universe will only respond if you do this with enough energy and enough sincerity to empower the process.

And by energy, that means emotional energy: and the interesting thing here is that any kind of emotional energy will activate the creative force – it can be anger, it can be hatred, it can be joy, it can be love, it can be gratitude, it can be happiness.

It just has to be sufficiently intense to signal to the universe that you’re serious about what you’re trying to achieve. Sincerity, on the other hand, is another word for faith or belief.

Absolute faith, or absolute belief, in the power of the universe to manifest what you want is absolutely essential. If you have the slightest doubt, it’s unlikely you’ll be able to manifest anything.

So the process of co-creation is simply a shorthand which refers to the way in which any one of us can engage the universe on our side to work for us in the creation or the manifestation of a desired outcome.

The Law of Attraction and Creation

The interesting thing about the laws of the universe are that they operate whether you believe in them or not.

I’m assuming that you do in fact believe in them anyway, because you’re reading this right here, right now, and I think it’s unlikely you’d be doing that if you didn’t want to manifest, or create your world.

Nonetheless it’s worth remembering that these are universal laws, and that even though they may be beyond our understanding in the physical world, they are a very real and practical system by which you can live your life.

It follows, doesn’t it, that the concept of us all being part of one whole could explain manifestation? At the very least, it could make believing in manifestation a whole lot easier! So: do you believe that you are but one manifestation of the divine on this planet at this time in our evolution?

Of course, as always, it doesn’t matter whether you believe this or not: you can still make manifestation work. But what I’m asking you to consider is the possibility that you are a fundamental part of the fabric of the universe, in physical form, just as everyone else is.

This is, in reality, just another way of saying that we all have a connection with the cosmic intelligence, the divine force, the great mystery, “all that is” – you choose your name for the universal force, it’ll be just as good as mine.

Carl Jung, one of the pioneers of modern psychology, wrote extensively about the universal consciousness, or the cosmic consciousness, and for me it’s easier to envisage a collective unconscious, to which we can all gain access, as the source of manifestation. But however you see these things, we are all connected.

You probably know that already, at some level of your being.

So the Law of Creation depends on this interconnectedness, and the fact you can put out a request for a particular objective, outcome, person, or event to manifest is nothing but a reflection of the fact that we are indeed all connected.

It’s Your Divine Right To Create Your Reality

Religions have taught us that we are full of original sin, that we must throw ourselves on the mercy of the great God, atone for our sins, and hope that he will help us in times of trouble.

Well, it’s not quite like that in reality! The truth is that everything the universe offers to us is neither good nor evil, positive or negative, masculine or feminine. In fact it’s all of those things at the same time. Only our definitions of what’s real, and how we perceive it by a frame of reference that we ourselves have constructed, gives anything meaning on the earth.

And there’s no denying that some of those meanings are extremely important in our Earth-bound consciousness: any right-thinking human being doesn’t want cause pain or misery to any fellow creature on this planet. At the same time, we have a choice about how we use our ability to manifest things.

Indeed, the universe demonstrates this neutrality just by the fact that is possible to use the Law of Creation both positively and negative (in human terms – remember that the universe doesn’t make value judgments).

And another issue is that because we are free to use the Law of Creation in any way we choose, we can equally easily create a reality that is mundane and unexciting and unfulfilled.

Look around you – yes, examine your own reality right now. What do you see?

Do you see an inspirational life, full of vitality, excitement, satisfaction and fulfillment ?

Or do you see a mundane life which is boring, vaguely troubling, perhaps a struggle, emotionally unsatisfying ?

Can you accept that whatever is around you right now is the product of your own creation, the product of everything that has happened to you, right up to this point in your existence on this planet in this incarnation?

If you answered “no” to that question, then I suspect you might be blaming other people – your parents, teachers, priests, abusers… And of course in many cases you can indeed point to things these people have done which have affected your history and no doubt your present as well…..

I’m not going to insult you by suggesting that what happened to you was “a gift” to bring you to this point so that you could assert your own authority over the the universe and find your own truths. Suffering is suffering, and even if it has a purpose (which is an open question), it’s human nature to blame those who inflicted pain on us.

However, there is another fundamental principle which is more important: you are now responsible for your life. And everything around you, whatever it may be, is manifesting in your life because it is the product of the thought processes and belief systems which you hold right now.

Which means, in case you hadn’t noticed, that the only way your reality is going to change is when you do something to make change happen. You’re not going to be saved, and you’re not going to be rescued by a fairy godmother.

Your future, the creation that manifests around you, is down to you and nobody else.

You Have the Power To Change Your Situation

So, the interesting question you need to ask yourself at this point is, “Are the belief systems by which I’m running my life out of date, or do they serve me in my current reality?”

Manifestation and Change

Making Life What You Want

In this post I’d like to examine some of the things Mike Dooley, author of both Infinite Possibilities and Manifesting Change has to say about manifestation and the Law of Attraction.

In short, how can you take control of your life and what manifests in it?

Well, the basic principle at work here is “Thoughts Become Things”.

What this means is that the primal mover, the first principle, is “thoughts become things”. So if that’s true, if that’s a universal law, then you can probably grasp your power to make reality manifest.

When you engage in manifestation, you set forth an intention.

This can be done by thinking about something with intense desire, or forming a clear picture of something in your mind, there are certain spiritual and physical laws within the universe which instantly begin to operate.

These laws can arrange coincidences, serendipities, and what may look like mysterious events so that your thoughts literally become events, circumstances, people and things in your life.

Often people say to me, “But what if millions of other people are trying to manifest the same thing – or what if they’re trying to manifest something that conflicts with what I want?”

It’s an interesting question isn’t it? You see, the thing is most people on this planet aren’t really focusing on anything at all. They’re living their lives by default, and certainly not living in an active, consciously-creating way – not working at manifestation in the way that you are (or the way you are learning to).

And if that’s so, does the universe favors your wishes over everybody else’s?

No, not at all – but what it does mean is that the universe has the opportunity to bring your desires, when they are intensely felt, and clearly imagined, into being, simply because you are one in a very small number of people who are trying to change their reality.

Let’s face it: the harsh truth is that unless a person actually makes some effort to change reality, they are going to be the victim of circumstance – and that’s how most people live their lives. What they manifest, by the absence of conscious manifestation, by the absence of conscious co-creation, is disorder and chaos.

And if that sounds too dramatic, then please substitute the words “lack of fulfillment” and “aimlessness” and lack of spiritual purpose.

So: you don’t have to believe that you are actually part of the divine source, the infinite intelligence, the great mystery, or the cosmic consciousness (use your own words here for what some people call God) to make manifestation work.

Making things happen by manifesting them is an interesting phenomenon – and it is enough simply to be human and to know what needs to be done to make the whole process work.

You Are Already Manifesting Reality

As Mike Dooley rightly observes, no-one has to learn how to make thoughts become things: all you have to do is just look around yourself, right here, right now, to see how you are creating your reality all the time.

Mike describes an exercise in which he lists on a piece of paper, his “thoughts that have become things”. You can do it too – list your thoughts which have become things: your job, your relationship, your children, your work, your money situation… whatever it is.

Leave alternate lines blank, and in between the lines on which you’ve written the things you’ve already manifested, write those things you want in your life in the future.

As he explains, the simple act of associating prior successes at manifesting with the successes you wish to experience in the future will empower you and remind you that you’ve been here before… It will remind you that turning thoughts into things isn’t new and that there are no new tricks to learn. You already know how to do it. Or do you?

Could that be right? Could it be that you’re actually already a master of manifestation? That you don’t need to learn how to make your thoughts become things? Let’s find out.

Manifestation works from the endpoint backwards. In other words, you imagine the end point, your desired outcome, and this effect forces the causes which bring about manifestation. To put it more simply, you think about the endpoint, and this forces the manifestation.

So let’s have a look at what Mike defines as the three steps of manifestation:

Step one: define what you want as an end result.

Step two: physically move in the direction of your dreams. You don’t have to try and work out every aspect of how your dreams can manifest, but you do actually have to do something which demonstrates commitment to your chosen outcome.

Step three: the universe creates a brand-new manifestation.

Hmmm… that sounds very simple, doesn’t it? Yet if you think about it, most of it matches up to what we already know about manifestation and how we make things appear in our lives.

We start by envisaging the end result, and sometimes that’s just an image in the mind, and sometimes it’s a physical plan, but it’s always the result of a thought process. Everything that we have around us started as a thought in somebody’s mind.

Note that if you’re visualizing the endpoint to kick off a process of creation, you’re working outside the boundaries of time and space, because you’re effectively visualizing the endpoint before you’ve started the process of making it happen.

To put it differently: it isn’t your job to work out how your dreams will manifest, as long as you’re moving in that general direction.

In other words, you have to do something that demonstrates to the universe that you’re serious about what you’re trying to achieve. You don’t have to pay to attend to the small details. Those are the “cursed hows“, and most writers on manifestation agree that they are no concern of yours. The universe knows how to deal with them – indeed, it has to deal with them.

And remember that if you imagine your dream coming true in the future, that’s often where it stays! You have to live as though your dream exists right now for both your mind and the universe to respond to your expectations and desires.

The critical factor here appears to be that you see your new and desired outcome in your imagination as if you are living it right now.

If you want a new car, that’s the car that you see yourself driving, as you imagine a picture yourself in the driving seat, with the other details as you wish them to manifest played out: the car is owned outright, sitting in your driveway, shining, in the color of your choice… And so on. Dream your dreams!

Mike sets out an interesting idea: that only when YOU start from YOUR desired endpoint can the universe construct the sequence of events that leads up to that outcome.

And in saying this, he makes another interesting point – our brains are much too small to be able to deal with all of the invisible intricacies that make manifestation happen.

All we have control over is the end result, the thing that we’ve chosen.

This means that by necessity we have to focus on the end result, on our desired outcome, and we have to do so without even considering the “cursed hows” – in other words, the events that need to happen to make something manifest for us.

It’s an amazing thought, but it certainly seems logical. It certainly seems convincing. It certainly seems to fit with what most people writing about manifestation have to say on the subject. Here’s what Mike Dooley says….

Leveraging the universe for success.

Manifesting Your Desired Outcomes

Sidebar: Expect the Unexpected

As you may know, one of the things that seems to happen when you start manifesting reality is that you get unexpected results. Or you get something that you didn’t want. Or you get something that doesn’t match what you were programming for.

For sure, anyone who’s used the Law of Attraction to manifest anything will have had these experiences, and they can be very destructive of your belief and confidence in conscious creation if you don’t know why it’s happening that way.

Whenever you experience something manifesting that you didn’t think about, that you weren’t expecting, it’s almost always a necessary steppingstone, an intermediary stage, on the way to some other end result. As Mike Dooley puts it, these steppingstones represent the cursed hows – the things that we don’t have to worry about, the things we can leave to the universe.

When you think about most manifestations in your life, you might recognize that they were only made possible through a series of events that was so complicated and extraordinary it couldn’t have arisen “by chance” ,
but could only have been the product of some extraordinary cosmic force maneuvering events around to produce a particular outcome.

Manifesting A New Relationship

I remember when I was visualizing myself in a wonderful relationship with a soulmate. Many years ago this was, but I was spending my time imagining every afternoon for an hour or so what it would be like to be in a wonderful relationship… with juicy images of all the wonderful things that might flow from that happy state of being alive!

And then I decided to go on holiday to Greece. I booked my two-week slot at a wonderful retreat center, on the edge of the Aegean Sea, and sat back and relaxed in anticipation of the voyage to come. But before the journey even started, I had to cancel my booking and shift it forwards to the next two week slot because of some domestic problems (14 years on, to be honest, I can’t even remember what they were).

Long story short, when I got there I met my soulmate. It turned out that she had to “coincidentally” shift her two-week booking two weeks backwards because she’d been invited to a wedding unexpectedly.

Of course the consequence was that each of our two weeks’ holidays on this beautiful Aegean island occurred at the same time, and as they say, the rest is history. Fourteen years on we are still together and deliriously happy.

Now even that, simple though it sounds, involves a mindbogglingly complex series of events which the universe had to control and direct for the two of us to meet. Is it any wonder, then, that experts on manifestation advise us not to worry about “the cursed hows”?

Video: the cursed hows

It is, as Mike Dooley rightly says, very good evidence for all of us being part of the divine, connected in ways we can’t even imagine, and able to influence each other – and the world around us – so we get what we want … provided we have a clear intention, or outcome, and as long as we put energy into the process of manifesting it.

To repeat: the reason this might be EASY for you and me (and everybody else who’s doing it) is the fact that out of 8 billion people on this planet probably no more than 0.1% of the people alive today are seriously using their innate ability to manifest their reality.

So what are the other 99.9% of people doing? Yes, you got it.

And quite how easy it would be to produce our desired outcomes if 10% or more of the Earth’s citizens were manifesting, I leave to your imagination.

Manifesting Success Requires Passion

To illustrate this more clearly, think of J K Rowling. She is one of the world’s most successful novelists, a fact which testifies to two things: first of all, the fact that she lives and breathes her dream (to be a successful writer who entertains others). Second, that when she (or anyone) lives their dream, the universe provides them with the means to achieve end results beyond imagining.

You ARE What You think You Are

The way you’re living, what you do every day, what you’re passionate about, and in particular what you’re constantly thinking and speaking about, will bring to you not only people and circumstances which manifest those things, but it will also produce feelings which hasten the manifestation of those visions, dreams, and outcomes – which is why it’s essential you focus on the positive.

The universe provides whatever you need to manifest your thoughts, and therefore if you’re thinking negative thoughts, you face a real danger of bringing negativity into your life.

You Really Do Get What You Pray For!

How is it that “the rich keep getting richer”? Well, there isn’t, as far as I know, any connection whatsoever between wealth and intelligence. I’ve known that for a long time, because some of the richest people I’ve spoken to and worked with are, shall we say, not over-endowed with thinking and creative ability.

No, the real reason the rich get richer is because they have certain qualities the rest of us don’t: perhaps including an ability to imagine an end result that pictures their burgeoning wealth, or a level of self-confidence far higher than average, or a skill at following up opportunities which most of us lack, or perhaps they simply never doubted they’d be rich. Maybe it’s all of these things. Maybe it’s something else entirely.

But in essence you can guarantee that none of the rich people you are looking at, and perhaps envying, ever doubted that they would succeed. In the end. Of course, how many trials and tribulations they went through on their way to that success surely depends on their belief system (i.e. what they believe about the difficulty they would experience acquiring a fortune).

I think if you look at somebody like Richard Branson, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, or Larry Page and Sergey Brin of Google, Anita Roddick, founder of the body shop, Hillary Clinton, even Margaret Thatcher, you have to agree they most likely never experienced any doubt about their capacity to manifest a particular outcome. If you want inspiration, I highly recommend that you read biographies of these women and men.

One of the things they all had in common was inordinate self-belief – and, I might add, their self belief was pretty impregnable to other people’s dissenting views. They surrounded themselves by people who supported their visions and their actions. Yet they weren’t afraid to hear what other people thought (at least the people they trusted), or to listen to counsel from wise people and their mentors.

Video – Mike Dooley – thought become things

Let’s go back to where we were: how do you manifest success and happiness (and other juicy, desirable things) in your life?

Do you find manifestation easy, are you having success with it? Or do you say something like “I’ve tried and tried, and I just can’t get it to work!” or perhaps “Whatever I do I just can’t make enough money.”

You see the irony here? What you’re saying is actually a very accurate representation of what your end results are, and the beliefs you hold about yourself which might stop you getting them. (No money – no surprise – you just can’t make it!)

You can’t expect to make much money when you’re literally telling the universe that no matter what you do you can’t make money!

And you see the same principle at work among people who tell you that “I just can’t lose weight!” As Henry Ford once said, “Whether you believe you can or you believe you can’t, you’re right…”

We might well change this old maxim to “Whether you say you can, or you say you can’t, you’re right!” Your thoughts and your words and your deeds make you exactly what you are and dictate where you are going!

Perhaps the old maxim about having a positive mental attitude has a more fundamental truth to it than simply feeling good. Perhaps the real reason for maintaining a positive mental attitude is because thoughts become things – especially where you, me and everyone else is concerned.

Making Manifestation Work

As Mike Dooley observes, anybody who’s got $20 million in the bank can justifiably say or think everything they touch turns to gold.

But if you have nothing in the bank, you would have to be an absolute “spiritual maestro” to be able to say those things and act as if they were true. However, if you can hold on to that vision, hold on to that vision as your end result that is, and not lose faith in that vision, despite the reality the current state of your world, you can probably make $20 million manifest easily enough.

And manifestation’s a lot easier when you actually understand how it works, when you understand you don’t have to figure out the exact way in which your desired outcome is going to manifest.

You see, the universe has a particular way of operating, a way that will give you what you want when you do the right things in the right order. Knowing that makes it a lot easier to maintain your faith in manifestation.

Unfortunately, if you start behaving as though you do indeed have $20 million in the bank, and you keep telling people that (when you’re broke, that is!) somebody’s gonna want to get you medical attention. So only share these principles and ideas, and your visions and dreams, with people who unquestioningly support you and know you’re not crazy.

And of course the first thing you have to do is to decide exactly what you want your ideal life to look like.

So write it down, right here, right now. Think the change through and then write it down. What would your ideal life look like? Where would you want to be, who would you want to have in your life, how would you like to be living your life? Only you know the answer to these questions, and only you know whether or not you’re passionate enough about the vision to achieve it.

Be Selfish

Be Selfish – It’s a Good Thing!

I know that’s not what most people will tell you. There’s a cultural taboo on selfishness.

Yet what I mean by selfishness is something different to what most people mean – I mean something like putting yourself first, and taking into account in your life choices your own needs, wishes and desires. I mean following your heart, and making sure that while you respect the rights and responsibilities of others, you don’t spend your life serving others at the expense of yourself.

You see, when you do something that fulfills your own needs and your innate desire to be happy, it will also almost certainly put smiles on faces of the people around you. Richard Bach put it rather nicely in his book Illusions: “Anyone who has ever given anything meaningful to the world has been a divinely selfish soul.” Does that shock you? In truth, the most important thing in your world is to express your own desires, wishes, needs and values. In short, to live authentically.

Self-Fulfillment Is Everything

You see, there’s something inherently disrespectful towards the universe about not becoming everything that you can truly be. The universe has given you a unique set of gifts and abilities, talents and skills, and it’s open to you to use them for the greatest joy and fulfillment that you can achieve in life.

You see, others can only keep you from happiness if you allow them to.

And yes, certainly compromise may be necessary if you’re in a relationship and the two of you want different things. Indeed, it may even be necessary for you to break up with a partner if you want very different things from life, and your mutual growth will be achieved by going separate ways.

The overall point is this: self-fulfillment is not just about material wealth – it’s about emotional satisfaction and spiritual fulfillment as well. And perhaps the best way to achieve this is to follow your heart wherever it leads you.

And of course, it might be wrong for you to lay waste to the world around you when you have some responsibility and commitment to that world. You can’t abandon children, for example, and you may not want to abandon your partner, and you may even feel responsible for sticking at your job. So under certain circumstances, “follow your heart” may not be a maxim that’s currently practical for you.

But if you have NO idea what you want to do in life, and if you aren’t going to jeopardize the well-being of your immediate circle, why not take a leap of faith? Why not move city, change your career, go back to university….. Or whatever?

Be sure that if you don’t honor your choices and preferences, then no-one else is likely to do so! The truth is, others don’t know what your heart is telling you, nor do they know the gifts you have which you’re not using, and they certainly don’t know what that inner voice has been whispering to you all these years.

Can you accept that your greatest responsibility is to be true to yourself? To express your natural talents and abilities, and to respect your preferences, values, and beliefs? By doing this you will increase your self-esteem, you will certainly increase the probability of getting what you want in life, and above all you won’t die with regrets about the things that you never dared to try.

What This Means In Your Life

What Does Manifesting Reality Mean For YOU?

Continued from here

First and foremost, it means is that you need to be led by your understanding of yourself.

It means that the person who knows best what you should be doing is you.

It means that no-one else is going to rescue you.

It means that you’re responsible for your own life, and also for manifesting a better one.

And perhaps more than anything, it means that if you knew what you wanted to do you’d be doing it with a level of energy and excitement that would propel you far faster, and far higher, and far quicker than anything you could achieve in a position where you experienced little or no fulfillment.

A Personal Story Of Manifest Failure

Many years back, I took a job as an accountant with a multinational company, even though I’d always known that my real skillset lay in the fields of creative writing and literature. And a second skill set lay in connection and communication with people.

I took this job because I was making huge efforts to overcome my financial deficit. But I did this without considering the values and interests and beliefs that were important to me. In fact, I doubt whether I even had a glimmer of understanding of what was really important to me at that stage in my life.

And there’s nothing wrong with not knowing those things. The hard truth is that we all have to experience the world in many different ways before we can develop self-awareness and understanding.

So it’s inevitable that when you’re making your choices about what you want to have manifest, mistakes will happen, simply because you, like most people, will become more attuned to your fundamental needs as you grow older and gain more experience of life.

Manifesting A Poor Reality

Ah yes, back to me! I’m reminded that the Universe gifted me a job with a multinational company because there was something I needed to learn about life, the Universe and myself!

And it turned out, unsurprisingly, that the lessons I had to learn were about my need for freedom, my need to be independent, my need to express my creative self, my need to work with people of like mind, my need to create opportunities for people to heal and grow, and many more similar things.

By not respecting those needs, I was massively disrespecting myself. (And of course when I started to find ways of manifesting those things in my reality, I started to respect myself and honor my values, abilities and beliefs.)

Unsurprisingly, for as long as I worked for this multinational company, I also felt an incongruity between my deepest nature and what I was doing in the world.

Soothed by making good friends, and by being able to use my skills and talents in certain ways (mostly in developing better communications between departments), I stuck it out for 12 years. Of course, even all this time I was manifesting my reality – just not something very desirable….

But the universe gave me an opportunity to leave after 10, and I didn’t take it, so by the time my 12 years was up I was definitely withering inside, both spiritually and emotionally.

That was the point at which my self-respect demanded I leave the company, albeit with no idea of what I wanted to do in life, with very little awareness of my own emotional and spiritual needs, and very little sense of how I might gain control of my life and change it for the better.

The options I considered (though I am sure there must have been many more) were to get another job in the field of accountancy, to start writing a book, to travel while living off my redundancy money for a while, or to train as a therapist – which, although a long process, certainly would be in line with both my creative skills and my desire to help people in some way.

And in fact I went for a few interviews – mostly out of fear – for accountancy jobs. Happily for me, the Universe didn’t let me get any of them.

So I did a little bit of travelling, came home, discovered the Internet, started training as a therapist, did lots of writing for my new websites, all of which I built myself, and all of which were pioneering in their field. Altogether, this made me a great deal of money.

The fact is this: abundance can be found down almost any path you choose, but it may be at some cost to your soul unless that path also leads you to a place of personal fulfillment. That’s why you might want to find out what excites you the most, what resonates with the deepest part of you, and then find a way of developing this into a moneymaking venture (that is, if prosperity is your driving force for manifesting!)

Certainly this is a good way to live a life of joy: you’re working in an area you enjoy and which is personally fulfilling.

That means you tend to be good at it, or at least it’s more likely that you’ll be able to develop the skills to truly shine. But don’t make the mistake of thinking that even if you reach this happy stage, your life is going to be free of challenge and adversity.

It’s almost as though the Universe requires us to experience challenge so that we can grow. I’ve always maintained that you’re only given the challenges in life that you can cope with. And while at one level that’s manifestly true, there is a deeper meaning behind it.

To gain the skills, abilities and knowledge that you need to fulfill the hopes, desires and aspirations of the deepest parts of yourself may require you to overcome adversity, difficulty and challenges of one kind or another. This is the Universe’s way of allowing you to rise to another level of enlightenment and understanding. And thereby manifest a better, more desirable reality much more easily.

Putting It All Together

Making Creation Work

Some of the reason why manifestation doesn’t work include a lack of belief, a lack of emotional fuel to drive the process, and not taking action to move in the general direction of your intention.

Yet there is another factor here, less spoken about than the ones above, but which might actually be more important.

It’s about taking your own uniqueness into account when you’re trying to achieve an outcome.

One of the most popular pieces of advice that you hear and self-development circles these days is “Be Yourself”.

What exactly does this mean? It sounds like an easy thing to do, and yet the minute we start interacting with anyone else, most of us find our behavior changes, often in ways which we don’t understand and probably don’t like very much either.

In a situation like that, are you “being yourself”? Hardly. And so when you start manifesting reality, perhaps with some very specific objectives in mind, how do you know that your objectives are the ones that actually will be right for you?

In fact, do you even understand the relationship between the objectives you choose and your chances of success at getting them?

The simple answer is “No, you probably don’t.” Very few people understand themselves well enough to know what their deepest values are.

Manifest reality

To have a false motivation for manifestation will trip you up in one way or another. To take an obvious, perhaps somewhat commonplace example, think of lottery winners. Why do you think it is that 90% of them end up with nothing after a comparatively short period of time?

The simple answer, of course, is that their basic values and beliefs about themselves don’t accommodate the concept of great personal wealth. That’s probably the most common and obvious example of how intention and outcome can conflict, but it’s one of millions upon millions more.


The simple and somewhat awkward truth is that if you’re trying to manifest anything which doesn’t match your basic beliefs and values about yourself and about the world, you’re not likely to be very successful.

One obvious way of looking at this is to say that there are infinite possibilities open to you in the future, but very few of them are likely to manifest, no matter how hard you try.

This is because they simply aren’t in line with your basic beliefs and values.

In other words, the probabilities that are open to you in the future are most likely limited by your experience up to this point.

Let’s pin this down to a specific example. It’s possible, but extremely unlikely, that you might become the next Hillary Clinton, Richard Branson, or Bill Gates. The probability is against it. You know that as well as I do. For one thing, if you are going to be any of those people, you wouldn’t be reading this book, you’d be living that reality.

Yes, we all have free will, and one of the great gifts we have is to choose a path for the future which matches up to our unique talents and abilities. And by following such a path, you increase the probability of your success at manifestation hugely.

This is about honouring your own skills, abilities, and in fact to put it another way, honouring your “extraordinary uniqueness”. (Thanks to Mike Dooley for this beautiful expression!)

By honoring your own extraordinary uniqueness, you open up many more opportunities for manifesting your reality. And the longer you live in accordance with your own values, beliefs, abilities and aptitudes, the easier life becomes.

Moreover, life becomes much more fulfilling, and the opportunities open to you within your particular realm of experience and ability open out enormously.

Life is never challenge-free; I think that such a state of being only exists among extremely enlightened people. But when you follow your own path, which basically means following your own heart, what you do have is much greater access to the kind of opportunities which would not otherwise arise. The kind of opportunities that are right for you.

Video: Mastering the art of co-creation

So does that imply we are all limited in some way? And is that view compatible with the view that we are all a part of the divine?

Well, listen up! First of all, we are indeed all a unique manifestation of the divine. Let me make that clear, right now.

But that doesn’t mean that we are all the same. We all have different skills and abilities, we all have different interests. And we most certainly have different values.

For example, if you like to be around and in connection with other people, then it seems natural to assume that manifesting a job which will allow you to work with people in some way is going to suit you better than manifesting a job where you’re isolated or perhaps working with machinery all day long.

Equally, if you have a particularly creative nature, then it’s most likely that finding a lucrative job working in the Arts is going to suit you a lot better than any job in an accountancy practice, no matter how lucrative.

Of course you still have the question of what branch of the Arts you’re going to work in, and what role you’re going take, but you’re basically on a path that is in line with your basic nature and values and beliefs.

And it follows also that if your basic motivation is to help people, then working in a job where you can actually be of service to others in some way is going to be more rewarding for you than working in a more directive or autocratic environment.

Continued here

Quieting The Mind

When I’ve been trying to manifest anything, I’ve observed something interesting, both in myself and others.

Ready for it? Here it comes: a busy mind can get in the way of you being able to produce the state of mental energy necessary for successful manifestation.

I’m beginning to think that perhaps this is one of the most important reasons people fail to manifest anything, no matter how hard they try.

About Brain Frequencies

We know that meditation and visualization,  as well as prayer and reflection, and many other types of mental “discipline” too, for that matter, cause the brain to slow down.

Or, to be more exact, these practices cause the brain’s electrical activity to slow down to a rhythm of between 7 and 12 cycles per second. This is called alpha wave activity.

By contrast, normal brain activity takes place above 12 cycles per second. This is called beta wave activity.

So there is something different about the electrical activity of the brain when we are in the right state to visualize a desired outcome.

Now nobody really understands what this slowing down of the rhythm of the brain really represents, but we don’t need to know that.

What we need to know is that this slow rhythm – the alpha wave frequency – produces a mental state in which we are capable of looking inwards, and connecting with the forces beyond ourselves.

Those higher brain frequencies – the beta wave frequencies – direct our attention outwards into the world around us.

And to achieve the alpha wave state that is necessary for connecting with the elemental forces of the universe that are responsible for manifestation, it’s necessary to have a slow brain frequency…. And that, in turn, is produced by relaxation or meditation.

It’s not produced – in fact you can’t be in an alpha wave state – when you’re thinking busily or frantically about what’s going on in your world, or when you’re anxious, or responding to stimulate in your environment.

So the question is for all of us, how can we slow down our brain activity and come to a place of calmness and centeredness, from which we can manifest whatever we wish to create in our lives?

Many Techniques Are Available

And of course the problem we all face is that quieting the mind is not easy. Yet it is essential to manifest anything successfully.

So your normal everyday mind is very busy, and likes to analyze and think about how things work; it likes to reflect on what’s happened, consider new possibilities; and perhaps above all else, it likes to worry about what might be going to happen in the future.

Stopping this happening – stopping the “babble” – can be frustrating, but the rewards are worthwhile.

One technique suggested by Lenedra Carroll in her book The Architecture Of All Abundance (a book which is essentially about manifestation) is to take one issue or person, one question or topic that you want to illuminate, and to write it on a piece of paper – and then to lay it in front of you.

But rather than actively thinking about it, she suggests that you let your thoughts drift and become more abstract.

Every time that you find yourself becoming agitated or thinking about the matter, she suggests that you “go to a place in your mind where the matter can exist in a state of great possibility and peace.”

The aim is to experience the question or the issue on more subtle levels – but for no longer than 10 or 15 minutes – after which you should leave it for a time, allowing a day to pass before you sit with it again.

She recommends that in the meantime you train your mind away from the thought each time it comes up…. and of course, as you know, if it is an obsessive thought, this will happen a lot!

The point of the process is this: slowing the body and slowing the thoughts will effectively create a space between the constant input of the busy mind.

And into that space will come new ways of looking at existing patterns and problems… and from that will come new ideas – and perhaps also an opportunity to look at the body’s response to the situation as well. (For, when it comes to these matters, the body never lies.)

If you like, this is daydreaming:  but daydreaming for a purpose – to allow you to develop a technique to quench the flow of continuous, rapid mental activity.

Or if you prefer to put it another way, to break a habit (incessant thinking) which can be relentless – and replace it with a state of mind in which you have the possibility of entering into communion or contact with the inner realm, the one responsible for manifestation.

Grounding Yourself Is Essential Too!

I believe it’s fair to say that without some mental technique – be it meditation, deep relaxation, self hypnosis, or some other aid to shifting your mental energy from activity to quietude – you are probably not going to be successful in manifesting whatever it is that you want.

The simplest method of doing this is to purposefully and slowly relax your body as much as possible before you start trying to visualize your desired outcome.

Video – Creative Visualization 

If you watch this video you will see the emphasis on several aspects of the process that are going to make manifestation much easier for you

1) visualizing when you’re in a relaxed state of mind – for the reasons that I described above

2) imagining your desired outcome so vividly that it could almost be real 

3) the power of using all of your senses in your imagination

4) the need to do this every day of your life!

5) the need to TAKE ACTION AS WELL!

Manifestation and The Law of Attraction

Steve Pavlina

Steve is one of the most thoughtful commentators on manifestation and the Law of Attraction. (The Law of Attraction expresses the spiritual and practical principles which control manifestation.)

He has raised some interesting questions about certain aspects of Law of Attraction theory that most people tend to avoid.

For example, what happens when people put out conflicting intentions? What will manifest? This might be when, for example, two people want the same objective but apparently only one of them can have it.

And another question that many people wonder about is whether or not children who are abused are being abused because they intended this in some way. (After all, isn’t that what Law of Attraction says – you get what you think about?)

And what about a situation where you’re trying to improve, let’s say, your relationship with your partner – but he or she doesn’t seem very interested in manifesting a better relationship.

Does That Negate Law of Attraction? 

To answer that question, Steve refers to a concept he calls “subjective reality” to explain these challenges with the Law and how it attracts reality to you….

What he means by subjective reality is that there’s only one source of intentions in your universe – and that’s you.

Here’s the basic (and radical) idea behind this theory: all the people you interact with in the world,  and all the things you observe,  exist inside your consciousness – which, if you think about it, is exactly how dreams operate.

Steve makes it clear that he is referring to “you” as the single consciousness in which your entire reality is currently taking place.

To understand this better, think of a dream which occurs during your sleep – as you know the entire dream occurs within your consciousness.

In the same way, “your” entire world (as you perceive it) is occurring within your consciousness during everyday life.

So how does this explain the idea of two people putting out conflicting intentions, both trying to use Law of Attraction principles to get what they want (e.g. the same job)?

The answer seems to be that this is an entirely internal conflict within you.

To put it simply, while you hold the image in your mind (or the thought if you prefer), that both people want the same thing, and at the same time you believe only one can have it, the overall intention you’re putting out to the universe is now competition.

And therefore what you’re actually creating and manifesting with the Law of Attraction in this situation is competition – because, as you know, in its simplest form the principles of attraction mean your thoughts attract similar energies.

Therefore if you put out thoughts of competition, that’s what you get back. 

This point of view puts the responsibility for whatever is manifested in your world firmly and squarely on you. To the extent, perhaps, that if you think about war, poverty, and disease, that’s exactly what YOU are manifesting.

Yet at the same time, in some way this is obviously true: when you think about those things you REALLY are manifesting them in some way in your consciousness.

What about the situation where you want your relationship to improve, but your partner doesn’t seem to be very interested in that happening?

Well, Steve says that here you’re projecting one intention for yourself and one for your spouse, and these intentions are not compatible. (You want harmony, but he or she is not interested. Result – conflict.)

And so the principle here is that because you attract what you think about, you will create conflict with your spouse by thinking about this very outcome.

So what’s the solution? How can you manifest what you want?

The answer rests on you taking responsibility for your thoughts.

For example, if you want peace in the world, then it’s necessary for you to think of peace in everything that occurs in your consciousness.

If you want abundance, then it’s necessary to create thoughts of abundance for everyone in your consciousness.

And to stop any further creation of things you don’t want, you have to take 100% responsibility for everything you’re experiencing in your reality right now and then assume that you can change that by redirecting your thoughts.

Phew! This really is a far out view of the responsibility you take on when you’re creating reality with Law of Attraction.

For me, it brings to mind the old saying “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem”.

The essence of this theory is that you can begin creating the reality you actually want in your life by making clear decisions and holding clear intentions about what you desire.

At the same time, you MUST avoid paying any attention to the things you don’t want in your consciousness or your reality.

And to do that, you need to pay attention to your thoughts and emotions equally.

Not only do you have to change your thoughts, but when you feel negative, you have a responsibility to change any bad feelings into something positive. So you substitute optimism for fear, hope for despair, pure energy for anger, and so on.

If you want to read more about this you can do so here.

The Spiritual Side of Life

Spiritual Aspects of Reality Creation

Every object in the world around you is a miracle – every action your body takes, every breath, every heartbeat, every piece of food digestive – is a miracle.

The fact that you can think, learn, and create is a miracle. The fact that we as species have the capacity to understand the world around us at the atomic level is a miracle. The fact that we can create the most wonderful artworks, and that we can conceive visions and bring them into reality, is a miracle.

But what is it that drives all of these things? It is, in short, vitality, the life force – aka spirit, soul, life energy, higher power, or divine energy… Or you can fill in your own word for it here.

However, being spiritual, by which I mean having a sense of your connection with the energies and powers beyond yourself, isn’t actually essential for manifestation.

But it’s going to make it a lot easier if you have sense of spirituality. That’s because everything that you manifest on this planet is produced by your connection with the cosmic intelligence.

But even so, if you simply write your goals every morning over and over for a long period of time, you’re quite likely to manifest many of them. There’s no spirituality involved in that!

In other words, it’s perfectly possible to manifest something without ever investigating the world of spirit, spiritual connection or soul-based work. And indeed there are many people who deny that any kind of spirituality exists.

Yet for those who do believe, it is beyond our capacity to express in words. We access spirituality through meditation, or through transpersonal experiences perhaps induced by breath work, or psychotherapy, or even great moments of energetic flow in the presence of magnificent artwork or music.

And when we experience moments of connection with the divine – as can happen in meditation – there’s an understanding that comes which simply tells us that we really are part of something much bigger than ourselves, yet at the same time, we are a part of this great energy. (A perfect basis for manifestation, let it be said.)

Video – Manifestation and Spirituality

Video – Connection With The Divine

Experiences like this can raise many profound questions, including the fundamental ones: who am I, and what am I?

Obviously you have a physical body, in which your soul or spirit resides, but you also have a rich emotional life and a rich mental life, which may or may not be located in some sense within the brain, or which may be epiphenomena of the brain’s activity.

The power of the mind is only dimly beginning to be understood by scientists working in the field. Its power is almost unlimited: indeed, the mind is the most expansive part of each and every one of us, the most wonderful and miraculous source of everything we wish to manifest – or at least, the mechanism by which it can be manifested.

And you can consciously enter the world of your spirit by turning inwards, and using processes like meditation and visualization to gain access to a different way of being in the world.

It may be that when you do this, you realize the truth of the saying which goes something like this: “We aren’t physical beings having a spiritual experience from time to time, we are spiritual beings having a constant physical experience.”

Many texts over the years have  emphasized the need for us to live a spiritual life, or at least for us to have a spiritual aspect to our lives.

The reason for this is that living with some kind of spiritual practice reminds us that God, the Universal Intelligence, the Cosmic Consciousness, the Power Greater Than Ourselves, the Vital Force, the Great Mystery, The Oneness, or whatever you choose to call it, is all knowing, all-powerful, and omnipotent as well as omnipresent.

And, as you probably know, what that means is that this force is part of you, within you, around you, and you are part of that force.

Clearly the more easily you can connect with The Universal Intelligence, the more easily you’ll be able to manifest what you want. That’s because access to the level where your subconscious mind can communicate with universal energy is much more readily available to you.

And so it’s a good idea to have a daily spiritual practice of some kind which can help you to remember who you truly are – a vital part of the universe around you.

Marc Allen, author of The Millionaire Course, from where these ideas are taken, talks about his spiritual practice, which, over the years, has changed from a period of simple affirmations every morning to deep relaxation, energetic awareness, guided meditation, creative visualization.

You can find your own spiritual practice easily enough if you set out with the intention to do so. There are so many options that it’s difficult to list even a small selection of them here, but my own practice is to stand in the garden every morning and thank each of the archetypes that I feel active within me – The Lover, The Warrior, The Magician, and above all The Sovereign, who directs my life.

Practicing gratitude is also important to me, because this makes me aware that no matter how I might feel about the world, or see the future of the world, I have far more things to be grateful for than despondent about.

(As you might recall, gratitude is thought by many to be an essential element of successful manifestation.)

I haven’t yet tried consciously praying to God, asking him, as Marc Allen does, “What is your will?” But it sounds like a good exercise to try, opening up a channel of communication between me and the universe around me, allowing me to listen to my intuition, and perhaps also to the voice of The Universe, speaking through my subconscious, and offering me inspiration and guidance.

This seems to me to be an essential element of the process of manifestation. Sure, as I said above, you can manifest things without a spiritual practice, but why deny your wholeness as part of the universal energy? Surely we are meant to experience this as part of our lives?

Marc Allen, although I have never met the man, has served as an inspirational guide to me in many ways.

Not least of these is the way in which he frames his goals and objectives: he offers the example of five goals which were important to him at the time that he wrote the book – as long ago as 2003!

When he reflects on them, or offers them up to the universe, however you want to put it, he always precedes thinking of them with the following words:

In an easy and relaxed manner, in a healthy and positive way, in its own perfect time, for the highest good of all I pray …

  • I am doing God’s will, guided by spirit every moment. This is enlightenment.
  • My company to continues to grow, reaching $ X in sales and $ X in profit this year.
  • My books have a great impact in the world. I take a quantum leap in my writing success, selling over X copies of my books over the next two years.
  • My music is expressed beautifully, with grace, ease, and lightness. It takes a quantum leap in its success in the world and impersonal satisfaction.
  • My marriage and family life, and times alone, are sources of great joy, grace, ease, and lightness.

And at the end, Marc offers up the following invocation: “This, or something better, is now manifesting, in totally satisfying and harmonious ways, for the highest good of all.”

In this way, Marc talks about his increasing awareness of the phenomenal power of prayer. And although he never uses the word manifestation, or at least I don’t recall him using the word manifestation, he is certainly using the process of co-creation with the power of the universe – and that is, to me at least, is another word for the process of manifestation.

Emotional Process Work

Becoming Who You Were Always Meant To Be

Look at the meaning of shadow here before you read this article.

There are some clear signs that you’re dealing with shadow energies in your life:

First, once upon a time you made a choice not to be a certain way in the world. You did this for a very good reason, usually concerned with maintaining “safety” in your family or some other highly charged setting like boarding school. That safety may have been emotional, physical or spiritual.

Second, consciously or unconsciously, you put your unwanted thoughts, feelings and behaviour into your shadow bag. (See what that means here: healing the shadow.)

Third, you find this energy sometimes bursts out, uncontrollably and unexpectedly. Often it looks different to when it went into your shadow bag.

Fourth, when it does burst out, it feels as if the energy is in control of you. It may even feel as if it has no connection with you. (“Where did that come from?”)

Which all adds up to this: an energy goes into shadow, it grows, and later in life you find yourself in a situation – as you surely will – which mirrors the original situation in your childhood in some way.

And then, you’ll find yourself behaving in a way you don’t want to behave, doing what you don’t want to do, and saying things you don’t want to say. All apparently without any control.

This is the power of shadow. The personal power held in your shadow bag. The magnificence held in your shadow bag. The truth of who you are, held in your shadow bag.

Shadow makes you find yourself shouting at your children, your wife or your girlfriend, or thinking awful thoughts about hitting your children (or even doing it).  You might be cowering in front of a dominant boss, allowing people to walk all over you, not speaking up when you need to….. and a million and one other unhelpful things.

How to heal your emotional weaknesses (or lack)

In either a group workshop or a one-to-one setting you can dive deep into the causes of these behaviours and explore and understand them, before you literally embody a different way of being in the world: a more authentic, genuine and balanced way of being. A way of being which reflects who you really are.

Video – how to “do” shadow work

Video – what are archetypes?

Men who work on their shadow in this way discover that when they’re in a provocative or triggering situation they now have more control over how they respond. Now, they can consciously choose how to respond to situations and events which would previously have “triggered” them to react without thinking. They access their King and Warrior archetypes much more.

That’s the difference – in the past you would have just reacted without much control as shadowy energy burst, maybe even exploded, out of you, most likely leaving you feeling bad afterwards.

When you’ve worked on your shadow, you’ll find you can choose how to respond, and you’ll develop mastery of your old behaviour patterns, which you can consciously change into something much more helpful for your life today.

Now, the significance of this is that when you are trying to manifest anything, the biggest limitations in the way of success are your shadows. You can consider the quality of this as follows: your shadows, out of sight, out of mind, will control what you believe about yourself, and this (unconsciously) will determine what you manifest in the world.

But when you change your shadow, you change what you believe about yourself, and then things really begin to happen. You can change your shadow by attending an emotional process work or shadow workshop. Or you can attend a shadow work training course.

What’s most amazing is that the entire panoply of human experience can be looked at in shadow work.

And in Healing The Shadow, our facilitation techniques allow you to work on an emotional issue without having to explain the historical details, if that’s better for you. We have techniques which can help with all kinds of abuse where you may not wish to reveal the details of what happened to you.

These workshops are also an effective way to develop the power of an archetype if you don’t have enough strength in that area.

Suppose you want to strengthen your Warrior so you can set boundaries with people – which might mean finding more effective ways to say a clear “No” or a definite “Yes”. You can start by finding out how and why (and by whom) the power to set boundaries was taken away from you. Then you can develop your ability to set boundaries in the workshop.

Or suppose your issue is not feeling good enough. This is the wound of the King.

You might start exploring this, and discover that you came to believe you were not good enough because your father never praised you, or was never satisfied with your achievements.

So you might set up a dynamic where you receive blessing and approval from the ideal loving father you never had. This is a profound process, for the part of you still looking out for Dad’s love and approval will accept it eagerly. What happens then? Your sense of self-worth and self-esteem will immediately rise, and your beliefs about yourself will change so that suddenly you know, with a certainty you’ve never experienced before, that you are indeed worthy of praise, attention, and love.

Just one more example: if you’re having difficulties in your relationship with a loved one, you could go a long way to resolving the situation with a piece of work in which you explore the roots of your current beliefs, feelings and behaviour. This insight and understanding will then let you embody a different way of reacting and responding to what happens in your relationships today. This is healing the wound of the lover.

As I suggested before, in emotional process work, when you’re working on healing your shadow, you embrace what has been repressed and denied. You embrace it, you bring it into your conscious awareness, and you discover how to control it as servant rather than master. And it works! Big time! In fact, in over twenty years of working in the world of therapy, I have never seen a more powerful and effective system of personal growth and development.

But there’s more to these workshops than resolving emotional issues from your past, important though that is.

You can also enhance and develop the energies which are a bit lacking in you. For example, if you’re out of touch with any of your emotions, you can find ways of accessing those emotions and experiencing them fully.

If you aren’t sure how to set boundaries with somebody, or you don’t know how to express your needs, wishes and desires, you can discover ways to do this in our safe workshop space or in one to one work with a skilled facilitator.

If you can’t understand why your life seems limited in some ways, or you can’t find ways to get what you want, you can explore the energy that’s holding you back. Often the limiting factor is a strategy designed by your Magician archetype and intended to keep you safe during childhood. Sure, that may have served you well in the past, but today – well, it’s not so useful!

Ways of being in the world which you learned when you were five or seven or ten years old need to be updated so you can transform the energy into something much more useful for you in your current life today. Together, we can find ways to encourage the part of you that’s dedicated to keeping you safe to turn his attention to doing something much more relevant and helpful for you in your life as an adult man.

Video – healing archetypal wounds

As you see, emotional process work is versatile and offers almost unlimited possibilities for change, but through it all runs a single theme: it will help you become the person you were always meant to be, before the world got in the way.

If you’re interested in trying an emotional process workshop, please check out Warrior Magician Lover King by Rod Boothroyd

What Is Your Vision?

Does Your Vision Include Financial Rewards?

Even when they’ve found their passion and purpose, many people cannot imagine making a living doing what they love to do. But really, why is this? Simply because you have a liming belief which tells you it’s not possible? (We’ve examined the connection between limiting beliefs, lack of achievement, and ways to deal with injunctions and shadow belief systems elsewhere.) 

For example, you love to go sailing but you don’t think this could provide you with a living? Is this real, or a limitation due to a lack of vision and imagination on your part? Or is it the product of some deep shadow belief you hold in your subconscious mind?

Truth is, my friend Colin Masterson loves to go sailing, and he’s made a very good living for many years skippering mega-yachts for the rich men and women who love a life on the ocean wave.

My friend Alan Jackson is passionate about photography. He’s now making a very good living selling beautiful landscape prints and greeting cards. He also is commissioned by publishers to take spectacular photographs of the most dramatic and inspiring beauty spots throughout the world. Not only does he get to enjoy his passion of photography, but he also gets to travel around the world doing it! And his bank balance reflects the skill and esteem he’s achieved in his particular profession.

Sir Ian McKellen always loved to act. After developing his skills in the theatre, at the age of 50 he turned to movies. Then, in his 70s, he was offered defining parts in some of the biggest movies of all time. (Gandalf, in The Hobbit Trilogy, in particular.)

These people definitely have passion and purpose. You may say they have outstanding skills too. Sure, but they learned those skills somewhere, just like you can.

Jesse Heiman is a portly redhead with a degree in English who loves acting. He’s made around 60 appearances in mainstream movies and big-hit television shows. In his short acting career, he’s appeared alongside stars such as Leonardo Di Caprio and Kisten Dunst. You’d never take Jesse for a star but casting directors seem to have many roles which suit him. And if he can fulfil his aspirations in this way, so can you.

My friend Jan Day is a woman who loves to help people build better relationships. She’s making a decent living because she has passion and purpose about running workshops in which she shows people exactly how they can establish greater intimacy and enjoy truly rewarding emotional and sexual relationships.

And my colleague Marianne Hill loves to help people explore their shadow and achieve their full potential. She has developed her skills to the point where she is now running a highly respected training course for shadow work facilitators. She is making a very good living doing exactly what she loves: running run workshops in which people can find their deepest truths, heal their deepest wounds, and explore how they can bring all of themselves into the world for everybody’s benefit.

If these people can do it, so can you! 

Your Vision Doesn’t Need A Road Map To Go With It

 A lot of people working on their vision start getting wrapped up in concerns about how they are going to make it into a reality. But at this stage you don’t need to worry about how this is going to happen. Once you’ve formed a clear vision and you’ve “programmed” that into your mind, a mysterious energy will take over.

This is the energy of the universe, which wants to support you. Soon you will soon find yourself enjoying all kinds of unexpected coincidences, synchronicities. There will be many moments of good luck, good fortune and opportunities that will speed you on your way. This is The Law Of Attraction at work.

We’ll talk more about The Law of Attraction later. For the moment all you have to do is work on creating a vision of your future.

One good way to form your vision is to create a detailed picture, image, visualisation or description of how your ideal life would look like you’ve achieved it. This is what you’re going to do now.

Of course your vision can change as time goes by, so a great idea is to revisit your vision every few months. This is your starting point, and you have seven major areas to think about.

1 A Healthy Approach To Wealth and Material Goods

The first area to focus on is your financial vision. Here you can determine exactly what annual income you require, how much you wish to have in savings and investments, how you’re making provision for your retirement, and other financial safeguards such as ensuring you have insurance for your family.

This might be the first test of your ability to believe in your vision. Suppose you want a multi-million dollar investment fund for your retirement. You could easily sabotage yourself by choosing to decide that this just isn’t possible.

Remember, though, at this stage you’re not concerned with how your wealth is going to come to you, or whether you’re making enough money to build such a fund. For now, all you do is simply create your vision of what you want, imagining your ideal picture of your life as it is in the future. This is the time to create a detailed GPS destination for your brain to work on.

If you don’t know where you’re going, you’ll never get there.

But if you do know where you want to go, you can start the journey right here, right now.

Another important aspect of your vision around wealth is what you do with your money. Do you support charitable enterprises or good causes, do you support your friends or family? Is your money being used to support a particular interest of yours such as health promotion, helping people develop greater vitality and well-being, promoting sustainability – or something else which benefits humanity?

2 Home & Material Possessions

You need a vision of your future home, including its size, its location and the type of furnishings you are enjoying. You might also want to visualise the type of car you’re driving, the kind of possessions you enjoy owning, and anything else which seems relevant to the physical structure of your ideal life.

3 Purpose and Mission

 The second area to focus on is your life’s work. We’ve already talked in this book about soul purpose – aka life mission – and right livelihood – aka your ideal occupation.

Now it’s time for you to crystallise the vision of your ideal job or occupation. Where are you working and what are you doing? Do you have a clear image of your co-workers, clients and business associates? Are you running your own business or are you working as an employee in a company? If so, what kind of company is it, and what position do you occupy?

Let your imagination run free here, because as we saw in Chapter 1, your job needs to be something which feeds your soul.

In short, what do you do which serves both yourself and the world?

Continued here


What is Your Vision 2

Continued from here.

Manifesting Your Vision

4 Free Time (Including Spontaneous Leisure and Joy)

You can pack so much into your life, if you know what you want to do. And nowhere is this more true than when you envision the time you allocate to your own recreation and leisure, both spontaneous and planned. This can be a major source of your joy and pleasure in life.

In your ideal vision of life, what time and adventures do you share with your friends and family? How much free time do you have among all the other occupations and interests that fill your days? How much time you spend on vacation?

And what do you really love to do that takes you so completely away from work that your heart sings with joy?

 5 Body (Including Physical Exercise to Energise & Food As Nourishment)

What is your ideal state of health? This is about being healthy and well and staying free from disease, and about the level of exercise you enjoy, exercise which keeps you fit and energises you.

You may also like to form a clear picture of the kind of food you enjoy to give nourishment to your body, your soul, your life and your environment.

How do you imagine your level of energy and vitality? What are you doing to ensure that your body remains at peak condition until you choose to leave this planet?

6 Family, Community, Friends and Relationships

Next, consider your relationships. These extend to your nearest and dearest, your friends and family, but they also extend your relationships with your community, and the world beyond your community.

What kind of friends do you have, and what kind of energy do you take from those friendships? How do you ensure that your relationships are all loving and supportive, free of judgement, and based on a principle of mutual acceptance and tolerance? And in all these relationships how are you maintaining your boundaries, establishing your sovereignty, and still accommodating the needs and wishes of others?

Finally, consider the relationship between your physical home and your community. Where is your spiritual home? How are you relating to your community and to the people around you?

7 Personal (Your Ongoing Journey Inside)

There are some things in life which you do truly for yourself. One of them is the ongoing journey of self-exploration on which you’re embarking right now, or perhaps continuing from years gone by.

In any event, what are you doing to maintain your emotional well-being and ensure your continued personal growth and development? What kind of therapy, coaching or support are you using for your personal development? How and where are you receiving support and affirmation by being with others in a team?

What makes a successful team? Vision – or something else?

You may not be a Navy SEAL, but you can take all these steps to manifesting your vision. Do you have a spiritual practice such as meditation or daily worship? And how are you expanding your interests and achievements in the personal arena? Do you enjoy new challenges such as painting, music, writing or sport? How do these things feature in your ideal vision of your life?

Forming Your Own Vision

 When you’re ready to form your own vision of your future, find a quiet space and time where you won’t be disturbed.

This is sacred work. As you choose what your future will look like, you are invoking the energy of the universe as an ally to help bring it towards you. It has been said, correctly, that the deepest therapy is spiritual work. This is important because to enter into the realms where the universe helps you by opening doors for you and guiding you to fortuitous coincidences, you need to have entered a spiritual mindset. This can only be done with considerable personal work, that is to say therapeutic work, like shadow work (read more about that here)  or deep Jungian therapy. 

Video – spirituality and manifestation

However, to move on to the practical parts: you can take each section separately, adapt them as you see fit, or you can work your way through the seven sections one by one. Whatever you do, write down everything that comes to you so that you have a written record of your vision.

Your mind needs to be programmed with your vision as the destination for your internal GPS system. So read through it every day of your life, either before you go to bed in the evening or just after you wake up in the morning. Also, visualise at least one part of it for ten to fifteen minutes every morning.

When you adopt this discipline in combination with the techniques described in this book, you’ll be absolutely unstoppable in achieving the different aspects of your vision.

And it will come to pass sooner than you can even begin to imagine.

Sharing Your Vision

Unfortunately, there are plenty of dream stealers and “negomaniacs” around who would prefer to maintain the status quo and stop you achieving your vision. They want you to be who and whatever serves them, not your magnificent self.

So only share your vision with people you trust to hold it sacred and support you in working towards it. Never share it with anybody who doesn’t support you in being your fullest self. If you hear any destructive criticism or negative judgements from somebody when you do share it, make sure you leave those people out of your circle in the future. You deserve more.

You need one or more friends who will support you, friends who want the same as you do: financial security, a beautiful home, loving relationships, and a meaningful life. A great way to make this happen is to form a Mastermind group. I’ll explain how to do that in another post. 

Sharing your vision is a beautiful thing. Before you know it, the power of your friends’ energy and loving support will be helping you move towards your vision. You’ll find coincidences happening, you’ll find people entering your life who can somehow help you work towards it, and you’ll discover resources appearing unexpectedly from all around you.

And every time you read through your vision, or share it with others, it will become more real and more achievable.

Movie star Jim Carrey has shared a story about his vision which shows the power of imagination and desire. It also shows the irresistible energy generated when you repeatedly visualise or imagine these things in your mind’s eye.

Jim didn’t have a great start in life, that’s for sure. At one point he and his family were living in a camper van on a relative’s lawn because his father was out of work. And apparently he didn’t even complete high school, dropping out to further his comedy career.

His first appearance in a stand-up comedy club bombed so badly that he considered giving up. But, with the quality of resilience and persistent that separates the truly successful from those who don’t make it, Carrey continued to develop his skills.

When he was 19 he went to Hollywood, like hundreds or thousands of other wannabes. The difference between Carrey and the rest of the people who don’t make it was that he had resilience, persistence, and a clear vision of his future.

In fact, sitting one night near the famous Hollywood sign, in his beat up old Toyota, Carrey wrote himself a check for $10 million “for movie services rendered”.

Carrey kept the check in his wallet for a decade or more. Well, we all know the outcome!

Sure enough, he manifested $10 million for making a movie.

Here’s what he said on the Oprah Winfrey show in 1997: “I wrote myself a check for ten million dollars for acting services rendered and dated it Thanksgiving 1995. I put it in my wallet and it deteriorated. And then, just before Thanksgiving 1995, I found out I was going to make ten million dollars for Dumb & Dumber. I put that check in the casket with my father because it was our dream together.”

That is the power of visualisation and repeated daily reminders of you goals. Every time Jim Carrey opened his wallet, the check was there to remind him of his vision.

Carrey is also reputed to have said, “I want to be a positive force in the world, I would like to make people happy. The thing is, I’ve always tried to create transcendent moments. Moments that take people away from their concerns. Heaven to me is when people find a way to become so involved with life that they’re no longer concerned for the future.”

That sounds to me like a clear mission statement or life purpose. How did he do it? How did he “create transcendent moments,  moments that take people away from their concerns”?

He did it by playing in comedy movies. This appears to have been Carrey’s right livelihood, because he’s also on record as saying, “I love acting. I love play-acting. I love pretending. I love telling stories so whether they be comedic or serious or whatever, it doesn’t really matter to me. I enjoy telling a good story. I have it all in me.”

And so do you. For now, make sure you have a clear vision. the GPS road map for your subconscious mind.

Manifesting A Great Relationship

Video: men and women and relationships


As we all know there are very few things in life more painful than a relationship ending and very often when it’s ended, we want to get back into relationship as soon as possible. Furthermore, we often want to get back into relationship with the person with whom we have just broken up!

Relationships end because of the powerful messages and beliefs that we hold in the subconscious mind. Regrettably, often that leads us to breakup with somebody when we feel powerful emotions coming from historical events which have caused us to suffer  emotional wounds.

Often, with time and space, it becomes abundantly clear to us that what we actually wanted to do was make up with the person we were with and continue the relationship. The perosn we lost may still feel like our soulmate: you can read more about this here, on this site which is all about relationships.

Sound a bit crazy? Well, yes of course this idea can sound weird at first, but think about it for a moment. When you try the techniques of manifestation, you have the opportunity to send all kinds of communication in a non-emotional way to your ex-partner.

This conveys to them a different meaning than the one that might come across if you sat there face-to-face. When you do this, you and they are ready to be triggered by the emotional wounds of the past the wounds that triggered the breakup in the first place.

Now of course whether or not your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend or ex-partner decides that they want to play along with this is entirely up to them, so success is not guaranteed.

Nonetheless I would suggest that manifesting a relationship is an approach which offers you an opportunity to achieve reconciliation like few other things. (Except, possibly, expensive one-to-one relationship counseling with a skilled therapist. While many people want to pay for that, it isn’t within the reach of everyone. However if that is your chosen route, I recommend “archetypal coaching“. in this approach, you will talk about the male and female archetypes and split out different parts of yourself into these metaphorical archetypes This way you can better understand your motivation and actions.

However, as far as relationship “repair and renewal” is concerned, we are talking about working with the archetype of the Lover. This is the part of the personality associated with love and connection – and human relationships.

In this book you get all the relationship counseling and advice that you might get from a professional counselor. Now obviously the proof of the pudding is, as they say, in the eating! That probably means you’re not likely to know if this approach is going to work until you try it. However, “nothing lost, nothing gained” might be another adage which applies to this situation

Now, one of the great things about trying manifestation is that you can find members’ forum s on the internet where you can meet with like minded people. You can discover what manifestation means to them and get support from those who know how manifestation works.

Why is the support valuable? Well, because we all need to exchange our experiences with other people, to establish a point of reference that will help us decide whether or not we are taking the right approach. Sharing human experiences, particularly common experiences, is one of the ways in which we can disocver if we are following the right or wrong path. 

Have fun!


We’re talking here about the law of attraction & manifestation.

If you’re not into these two processes, think about this: everybody I know has had at least one experience which is clearly the universe work manifesting – “magically” – those things which we least expect.

For example, have you ever had a telephone call from a friend immediately after you’ve thought about them?

This is such a common experience that you probably have indeed had it several times in your life, though you might never have stopped to wonder what was going on.

Almost everyone who experiences this will pause for a moment to reflect on how it’s “remarkable”, but the deeper issues and meaning of such events generally escape us because we are focused on the material world – not the spiritual.

When you stop to think about it, though, this is absolutely phenomenal – that there is some kind of telepathic information being transmitted through some medium between the mind of the person who is about to call you and your mind.

That’s why you know they’re about to call you – and then the telephone rings. This is “thought transference” in its clearest, simplest and most obvious form. But how does it work?

The answer is that it works in exactly the same way as manifestation through the Law of Attraction; which can manifest you a reality that might be unimaginable at the moment.

Books like The Secret made it obvious to us that there is a body of belief in the world which says that you can get whatever you want using the power of your mind.

In essence, that is manifestation – the appearance of goods, people, objects, and things such as sexual relationships between men and women on the physical plane. These resulst are brought about by using intention, conscious awareness, visualization, and the focus of your mind on your desired objective.

Many people who work with the Law Of Attraction would insist that isn’t necessary to understand the mechanism by which this communication happens. We can assume that there is some kind of universal intelligence or energy or substrate through which thoughts and other intentions can be communicated.

This communication occurs between human brains, and between a single human brain and the universal intelligence. It’s also possible to assume that when this happens, thoughts are manifested in physical form through some process of reality creation under the control of the universal intelligence.

Now if this is true, and you can manifest anything you want including people, events, places and “strange coincidences“, then it follows that you can manifest a relationship if you intend to do so.

The precursors of this manifestation in reality are clear intention, firm belief in the possibility of manifestation, a real desire for a relationship, and a belief that the relationship is going to appear.

Oh yes – and the ability on your part hold negative beliefs about the impossibility of manifestation at bay.

Of course it’s hard to believe in the eternal physical manifestation of things from the universal energy field. We are not by nature spiritual beings; or, rather, our main focus is the everyday material world which impacts our lives on the surface of this planet.

But shift your perspective. Consider for a moment the widespread belief in a higher power commonly called “God” or the gods. Add to that the events which you have experienced in your own life, such as the telephone ringing immediately after you’ve thought of a friend, and them being on the line. And then you might find it easier to believe in the possibility of thought transference, telepathy, and reality creation in the form of manifestation.

I’m not asking you to stretch your belief system beyond the bounds of credibility. Rather, consider the possibility that there is another dimension to our existence beyond that which our physical senses reveal to us.

And course when this becomes a real possibility for you, your mind naturally opens to the possibility of using that extra dimension of existence to manifest reality.

As I said at the start of this article you really can get a relationship if you want one, and the techniques aren’t that difficult. You can find out how to do it by clicking on the links in this piece, or by reading any other good website or book on manifestation of love and relationships using the law of attraction.

By the way, The Secret, doesn’t explain the process of manifestation very clearly, but it’s great as a motivational piece for increasing your enthusiasm and belief in the possibility of reality creation.

Self Development For Men

Workshops available for men to expand and grow as men.

There are many different workshops available for men to expand and grow as men. Here are a few examples:

Men’s circles: These are groups of men who come together to share stories, support each other, and learn about themselves and each other.

Men’s retreats: These are more intensive experiences that typically last for a weekend or longer. They often involve activities such as meditation, journaling, and group discussions.

Men’s workshops: These workshops cover a wide range of topics, such as communication, relationships, parenting, and career development.

Men’s therapy: Therapy can be a great way for men to address specific issues they are facing in their lives.

Men’s coaching: A coach can help men develop a plan to achieve their goals and live a more fulfilling life.
When choosing a workshop or therapist, it is important to find one that is a good fit for your needs and interests. You may want to talk to friends or family members who have attended workshops or seen therapists in the past for recommendations.

Here are a few specific workshops that you may find helpful:

The ManKind Project: This organization offers a variety of workshops for men, including the New Warrior Training Adventure, a four-day workshop that helps men to develop their inner strength and courage.

The New King program  This workshop offers skills training in communication, relationships, and fathering.

Wild at Heart: This organization offers workshops and retreats for men based on the book of the same name by John Eldredge. The workshops focus on helping men to rediscover their wild side and live a more authentic life.

Men Without Masks

Craig White is a rugby coach and men’s retreat leader. He is the founder of the King Warrior Magician Lover King men’s retreats, which are designed to help men connect with their inner strength and purpose.

White is also a qualified rugby coach, and he has coached teams at all levels, from youth to professional.

In addition to his rugby career, White is also a passionate advocate for men’s mental health. He believes that men need to be able to talk openly about their feelings and struggles, and he provides a safe and supportive space for men to do this at his retreats.

White’s retreats are based on the principles of Jungian psychology, and they focus on helping men to develop their four archetypes: the warrior, the magician, the lover, and the king.

The warrior archetype is associated with strength, courage, and discipline. The magician archetype is associated with creativity, intuition, and the power of transformation. The lover archetype is associated with compassion, empathy, and connection. The king archetype is associated with leadership, wisdom, and the ability to serve others.

White’s retreats help men to develop each of these archetypes, and to integrate them into their lives. This can help men to live more fulfilling and meaningful lives.

White’s retreats have been praised by men from all walks of life. They have helped men to improve their relationships, their careers, and their overall well-being.


How To Be A King In A Child’s World

How can I become a good father when my own father was absent or negligent?

Becoming a good father when you didn’t have a positive role model in your own father can be challenging, but it’s definitely possible with commitment, self-awareness, and the willingness to learn and grow. Here are some steps to help you become a good father:

Self-awareness: Recognize the impact of your own experiences with your absent or negligent father. Understand how this might influence your own parenting style and be aware of any potential pitfalls.

Seek role models: Look for positive father figures in your life, whether it’s a mentor, friend, or even through books and resources. Observe their actions and learn from their positive parenting techniques.

Educate yourself: Read books, take parenting classes, and attend workshops or support groups. The more you learn about effective parenting strategies, child development, and communication skills, the better equipped you’ll be to be a good father.

Set realistic expectations: Understand that no one is a perfect parent. Give yourself permission to make mistakes and learn from them. Be patient with yourself as you work on improving your parenting skills.

Build a strong support system: Surround yourself with people who can offer emotional support and guidance as you navigate fatherhood. This might include family, friends, or support groups for fathers.

Communicate with your children: Open and honest communication is key to building a strong relationship with your children. Encourage them to express their thoughts and feelings and listen attentively to what they have to say.

Spend quality time together: Allocate time to engage in activities with your children that promote bonding and create lasting memories. Quality time can be more valuable than quantity.

Show love and affection: Express your love and affection to your children regularly. Hugs, kind words, and acts of love can make a big difference in their emotional development.

Be a positive role model: Demonstrate the values and behaviors you want your children to adopt. Children often learn more from what they see you do than from what you say.

Provide stability and consistency: Children thrive in an environment that is predictable and safe. Establish routines and rules that provide structure and help them feel secure.

Take care of yourself: Ensure you are physically and emotionally healthy. When you take care of yourself, you’re better equipped to be a good father.

Seek professional help if needed: If you find that your own past experiences or struggles are negatively affecting your parenting, don’t hesitate to seek counseling or therapy. A mental health professional can help you work through your issues and develop healthier parenting strategies.

Remember that being a good father is an ongoing process, and it’s okay to ask for help and continually improve your parenting skills. The fact that you are aware of your past and want to be a better father is a significant step in the right direction. Your dedication and love for your children will guide you in becoming the father you want to be.


Would working on stregthening my King archetype be helpful in this process?

Strengthening your King archetype, as described in some psychological and mythological frameworks, can indeed be a helpful aspect of the process of becoming a good father. The King archetype represents qualities like wisdom, leadership, responsibility, and providing guidance and protection, which are valuable in effective parenting. Here’s how you can work on strengthening your King archetype as a father:

Self-Reflection: Start by reflecting on what it means to you to be a “king” or a leader within your family. What values and principles do you want to embody as a father?

Set a Positive Example: As a father, you can set a positive example for your children by demonstrating the values and behaviors you want them to adopt. This includes qualities like honesty, integrity, and empathy.

Provide Guidance: Offer guidance and mentorship to your children. Help them understand right from wrong and make good decisions. Be a source of wisdom when they seek advice.

Responsibility: Take responsibility for the well-being of your family. Ensure their physical, emotional, and financial needs are met to the best of your ability.

Create a Stable Environment: The King archetype often involves creating stability and safety for your family. This can be achieved by maintaining routines and consistent rules that provide a sense of security for your children.

Protect and Provide: Protect your family from physical and emotional harm, and provide for their needs. This doesn’t just mean financial support but also emotional support and care.

Balanced Authority: The King archetype is not about authoritarian rule but about balanced authority. It’s important to combine your guidance and rules with love, understanding, and respect for your children’s autonomy.

Mentorship: Act as a mentor and role model for your children, teaching them life skills, values, and principles.

Embrace Wisdom: Continuously seek knowledge and wisdom, as the King archetype embodies a sense of wisdom and growth. Share the lessons you’ve learned with your children.

Balance: Balance your responsibilities as a father with self-care. A strong King archetype doesn’t neglect self-care, as it’s essential for maintaining your own well-being and, in turn, being a better father.

Remember that the King archetype, like any psychological archetype, is a symbolic framework for understanding and developing certain qualities. It’s essential to incorporate these qualities into your parenting style in a way that is authentic to your personality and your unique family dynamics. As you work on strengthening your King archetype, be flexible and adaptive to the specific needs of your children and family.

Sexual Pleasure and Shadow Work

Shadow work and sexual pleasure

Shadow work can potentially impact various aspects of your life, including your experience of sexual pleasure. Here are some ways in which engaging in shadow work might contribute to a more fulfilling and pleasurable sexual life:

Understanding Desires and Fantasies: Exploring your shadow can reveal hidden desires and fantasies that you may not have been fully aware of. Understanding and accepting these aspects of yourself can lead to a more open and honest exploration of your sexual preferences, potentially enhancing your sexual pleasure.

Overcoming Shame and Guilt: Shadow work often involves confronting feelings of shame and guilt associated with certain aspects of your personality or past experiences. By addressing and integrating these emotions, you can reduce the inhibitions that may hinder sexual pleasure, allowing for a more liberated and enjoyable sexual experience.

Communication and Intimacy: Shadow work emphasizes open and honest communication with yourself and, by extension, with your partner. Improved communication can lead to a deeper emotional connection and increased intimacy, which can positively impact your sexual experiences.

Exploring Vulnerability: Shadow work often involves facing vulnerabilities and insecurities. Embracing vulnerability can create a deeper connection with your partner, fostering a sense of trust and safety that is conducive to more fulfilling sexual encounters.

Breaking Patterns and Conditioning: Shadow work involves identifying and challenging patterns of behavior that may be rooted in past experiences or societal conditioning. By breaking free from limiting beliefs and behaviors, you may open up new possibilities for sexual exploration and pleasure.

Body Acceptance: Shadow work encourages self-acceptance, including acceptance of your body. Feeling comfortable and positive about your body can enhance your confidence and contribute to a more positive sexual self-image, which is closely tied to sexual pleasure.

Healing Sexual Trauma: For those who have experienced sexual trauma, shadow work can be a valuable tool for healing. Addressing and processing trauma with the support of a qualified professional can be a crucial step in reclaiming a positive and healthy sexual life.

It’s important to note that shadow work can be a deep and sometimes challenging process. If you’re dealing with sensitive issues, especially related to trauma or deep-seated emotional challenges, it’s recommended to seek the guidance of a qualified therapist or counselor who specializes in this type of work.

Remember that every individual’s journey is unique, and what works for one person may not be the same for another. Patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to explore and learn about yourself are key aspects of any personal growth journey, including shadow work.

Video about shadow work

Video about the archetypes and shadow work

Books on Archetypal Energy and Shadow Work:

“Man and His Symbols” by Carl Jung: This classic work by Carl Jung explores the symbolism of archetypes and how they manifest in dreams, myths, and everyday life.

“Jung’s Map of the Soul: An Introduction” by Murray Stein: A comprehensive introduction to Jungian psychology and the concept of archetypes, including how they relate to the process of individuation.

“King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine” by Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette: This book delves into the masculine archetypes and how they manifest in personal development.

A book about King Warrior Magician Lover by Rod Boothroyd – a modern classic on how male energy manifests in the different male archetypal energies.

“Goddesses in Every Woman: Thirteen Powerful Archetypes in Women” by Jean Shinoda Bolen: Jean Shinoda Bolen explores feminine archetypes, providing insights into the various aspects of the female psyche.

“Meeting the Shadow: The Hidden Power of the Dark Side of Human Nature” edited by Connie Zweig and Jeremiah Abrams: This anthology features contributions from various authors, exploring the shadow from different perspectives.

“Inner Work: Using Dreams and Active Imagination for Personal Growth” by Robert A. Johnson: Johnson’s book provides practical insights into working with dreams and active imagination as tools for understanding archetypal energies.

Websites on Archetypal Psychology and Shadow Work:

The Jung Page ( ): An online resource dedicated to the life, work, and legacy of Carl Jung, including articles on archetypes and Jungian psychology.

The Sacred Science ( ): This website explores various spiritual and psychological topics, including archetypes and shadow work.

Depth Psychology Alliance ( ): An online community and resource hub for those interested in depth psychology, including Jungian perspectives on the psyche.

A 3 month journey through the male archetypes of King Warrior Magician Lover with shadow work practitioner Ali Kirk.

Inner City Books ( This website offers a collection of books, many of them focused on Jungian psychology, archetypes, and shadow work.

Archetypal Astrology ( This site explores the intersection of astrology and archetypal psychology, providing insights into the archetypal energies associated with different astrological placements.

Remember that while these resources can provide valuable insights, personal exploration and, if needed, guidance from a qualified therapist or counselor experienced in depth psychology and Jungian analysis can be essential for effective and safe shadow work.


Advice For A Successful Relationship

Relationship Advice

We are social creatures – of that there is absolutely no doubt. Anybody who has lived at least 50 years on this planet will have understood that its absolutely essential to be in a relationship to maintain good emotional and physical health.

Video on the benefits of relationship

In this situation, it’s hardly surprising that when a relationship breaks up people experience such high levels of anxiety, depression, worthlessness and fear! These are all common responses to the breakup of a relationship, although its also equally common for people to experience anger and depression.

This in turn explains why its so important to most people to keep a relationship going even when that relationship appears to have gone beyond its sell by date. In fact, relationships can almost always be sustained, and there are very good arguments for making sure that you do put the maximum amount of effort into sustaining a relationship even when it appears that divorce or separation is inevitable. 

If you’re already in the throes of a breakup, then you might want information about reconnecting with your partner.

In general, people breakup because they can’t communicate effectively. Also, the emotional issues which arose in their childhoods, and which haunt them to this day, are still uppermost in their minds. So, when dealing with a partner in their relationship, a lot of people will actually respond emotionally rather than intellectually or rationally. This could be described, in fact, as reacting rather than responding. This is a great opportunity to heal old emotional wounds from the past by using a system of personal growth called Shadow Work. (A Jungian term.)

If you’d like to really learn how to reconnect with your ex partner, there are many clear advantages to be gained from being (or staying) in relationship. As social creatures were all programmed to be in relationship, for many reasons: the emotional and physical relief we get from sexual pleasure; the interaction of ideas; the support and emotional well-being that comes from having a partner to talk to; and to meet our relational needs. You see, liking comes from a feeling of closeness and affection derived from a mutual understanding and a degree of empathy.

How easy is it to love someone wholeheartedly?

Long term, you may seek to engage with somebody who has essentially the same values, beliefs and attitudes as yourself. Without that, there is plenty of evidence to suggest that (at least in the longer term) a relationship won’t survive.

In the short term, however, likeability and liking a much more tied into particular behaviours: empathising, reflective listening, paying attention, being fully present your partner, and indeed simple things like apologising when somebody’s upset.

Another thing that’s important is maintaining a positive attitude to your partner. It turns out that when people offer less than five positive affirmations for every negative interaction in a relationship, the prospect of long-term survival of the relationship is really quite low.

What I think I take away from this is that there are simple things that you can do which are very helpful in sustaining a relationship. But in addition, you do need to do the deeper work to get rid of emotional baggage from the past.

Nowhere is this more true than in the field of sexual problems.

If either the man or the woman in a partnership has some issue with sex or some kind of sexual dysfunction, be it low sex drive, premature ejaculation or whatever, then it’s extremely important to attend to this. The reason? When a couple are making love with pleasure and satisfaction, and in particular when the woman’s having regular orgasms, the relationship will be much more stable and happy outside the bedroom than it will be if the sexual connection between the partners is failing or non-existent.

One of the reasons we seem to have such difficulty with relationships – whether entering into them, staying in them, or leaving them – is that we aren’t taught by anyone, at any time in our lives, the things we need to know to deal with the emotions associated with a relationship effectively. No wonder, perhaps, why more than half of all marriages end in divorce!

Poor Relationships Have Poor Communication!

Some poor communication strategies are listed below.

  • Blaming rather than listening – when your partner says something important to them about the way you’re interacting with them you don’t respond by giving them space to speak considering what they’re saying, you just launch an attack straight back
  • Powerplay – where the main objective of your relationship appears to be to be the one who is always right, the one who knows best, or the one who “wins”.
  • You did this, I did that – another strategy where you try and blame your partner for what they did when they’re talking about the way you behaved.
  • Escalating – where the trivial discussion becomes a major argument, apparently of its own accord, without you quite knowing how it happened
  • Dirty tricks department – where you deliberately play dirty by hitting your partner in the most vulnerable areas of their psyche
  • Taking the moral high ground – pretending the your the innocent party, and that you’ve done no wrong
  • Uncontrolled anger – a reaction which never helps calm things down!
  • Pointing out your partner’s failings – telling your partner what’s wrong with them is never gonna help lead to a rational discussion
  • Calling for support – enlisting other people, either physically, or in their absence, to support the argument that you’re putting forward about your partner’s failings and inadequacies
  • Quoting from the past – it may be true, but recalling things that happened years ago is not can help establish harmony in the present
  • Sullen and silent – just being sullen and silent the opposite of what you need to have an intimate relationship which is, in case you’ve forgotten, open and honest communication
  • Blaming – I told you that would happen if you did that, and you didn’t listen; it’s a common line in relationships but it’s not a very helpful oneIndirect attacks – another common strategy where people can’t say what they’re feeling directly, making unpleasant digs and offering putdowns at your partner, particularly in the presence of others, is very destructive
  • Storing things up and then letting the floodgates open – usually happens because you’re not brave enough to say something until you have a certain level of anger propelling you, at which point you lose control say far too much, that becomes damaging. 

None of these add up to reflective listening or open and honest communication. If you can take the time to think of an example of when you used each of these and any other strategies in relationship and consciously decide that you’re not going to do that anymore, you going to stand a much better chance of actually reaching the point of open and honest communication.

You see, a lot of what happens in relationship is down to your intention. What is it that you intend to do through rebuilding your relationship? Presumably, to have a harmonious and loving relationship? If you can set that clear intention, and then you can actually commit yourself wholeheartedly to doing whatever it takes to establish such a relationship, then your frame of mind is going to be a lot more likely to it about than if you’re vague and indecisive.

Another useful technique is mindfulness, aka living in the now – in other words, you can make a decision to step around the past, and what it’s legacy may be for you, and to take the time effort to live in the moment with your partner now. And of course talking about positive experiences you’ve had together may work positively to rebuild trust and affection.

Establish Great Communication About Sex (and Sexual Problems)

One of the important things that men and women really need to get to grips with is communication about sex. For one thing when was the last time you reassured your female partner about her attractiveness in bed? The truth of the matter is that men are insensitive to women’s needs when it comes to sex, and very often women don’t express their needs in a way that men can respond to.

For example, men should really appreciate any effort that a woman makes to be sexy, because she’s actually trying hard to accommodate her man’s needs, as she see them. Women see a big difference between having sex and making love; they also see a difference between sex and romance. And they certainly see a difference between desire and passion.

They attach emotion and meaning to sex: much beyond physical pleasure and gratification — they want intimacy, tenderness, soft words, attention, and the feeling that they mean something to the man who is making love to them. And of course while men want these things as well, the fact is that what they want mostly, perhaps more than anything else, is physical relief from the sexual tension they experience.

Advice for men

If you have a problem with erectile dysfunction or difficulties with delayed ejaculation, read up on how you and your partner can actually become closer by working on the problem together. And learn how to satisfy a woman in bed.

What about the question of “taking” a woman an orgasm? Well there’s nothing wrong with expecting a woman to have an orgasm, and indeed wanting her to have an orgasm, and there’s certainly nothing wrong with trying hard to make sure that a woman does have an orgasm.

However asking a woman if she’s had an orgasm is a definite no-no, because it’s a double bind for a woman. If she says no, then the man’s ego is destroyed, and if she says yes, when she hasn’t had one, she’s introducing an element of distrust and insincerity into the relationship.

Knowing how to make a woman climax is vitally important, there’s no doubt about that, but doing so must be done with sensitivity and care. Much of a woman’s ability to reach orgasm is in her head. And although being turned on mentally will enhance her ability to come physically, the fact of the matter is that she’ll need lots of foreplay. And enquiring about how near she is just before she comes can instantly take her orgasm away from her. 

So stop focusing on just giving a woman an orgasm: slow down so that she can focus on every sensitive nuance of the experience she’s having before she even gets to orgasm. In other words, consideration for the other person’s needs is paramount in any relationship, regardless of whether or not you understand where they come form or why they have arisen. 

The Feminine and the Masculine Psyche

One of the problems that men face in their lives today is that they do not really know how to relate to women.

When you think about the early experience of a boy as a child, the influence of the feminine is extraordinary. As James Hollis says in his book, Under Saturn’s Shadow – The Wounding And Healing Of Men: “…the mother is the place of origin, locus of parturition and omphalos of our world.”

“Such ‘torrents of ancestry’ are entrusted to the fragile vessel of a single person, a woman, who phenomenologically communicates the mystery of life itself and who, in the specific relationship between mother and child, embodies all sorts of messages about our relationship to the life force.

“The mother’s biochemistry in utero, the treatment of the child by his mother, her affirmations or denials of his personhood, are primal messages to boys about their own being.”

He goes on: “Not only do we share most of our early, formative days and years with her – the more so if fathers are distant or not there at all – but her role is replicated by teachers and other caretakers who in our culture are still primarily female.”

The power of the feminine, as he wryly observes, is immense in the psyche of men. And so how are we to become adult men, emotionally and psychologically separate from women, especially as we have no men’s rites of passage or male initiation rituals in our society?

In previous ages these rituals were the method by which boys became full members of society. They literally took the boy away from the mother and inducted him into the society of men, teaching him what he needed to know to live in his society.

Video – Rites of Passage by Richard Rohr

And there are other implications of the absence of rituals and processes for men to become full, adult members of our tribe.

The first is that the penis becomes a weapon to use against women, rather than a tool for the unification of the sexes in an act of love or procreation.

Hollis has observed that the patriarchy is a way in which men defend against their powerlessness, and therefore, if that is true, the penis also become a weapon which men use to defend the patriarchy as well as oppress women.

The second: boys who did not separate from that earliest bond with their mothers will not have a good relationship with women in later life.

Since they did not individuate as autonomous men who can stand on their own two feet and relate to women as equals, they will be constantly living in the shadow of their fear of losing mother, or the archetypal woman she represents in their heads.

Every interaction with women will be overlaid by the fear of separation, of abandonment, that a small child feels when he learns that mother is a separate being who can go away – and when she does, his needs will not be met. He may, in fact, die.

The degree of this primal fear is enough – more than enough – to dictate that these still psychologically mother-dependent men do not relate to women in adult life as free agents, but that they supplicate, adapt or control women. (Shadow work and an understanding of archetypal energies can go a long way to dispel these mistaken beliefs formed in childhood.)

Moreover, because we do not have the initiation of older men to guide us in what we shall become as we grow up, we seek out roles and careers which reinforce our sense of self – at least superficially – while still denying us the fulfillment of an occupation that our soul craves.

In this way, therefore, the lives of men are just as governed by restrictive role expectations as are women’s.

In addition, if a woman is living out her own unfulfilled wishes and desires through her child, then his life becomes governed by a second set of expectations – the ones she his mother was not able to manifest in her life.

An unconscious desire for the “safety of mother” leads men into difficulties in the expression of their sexuality as well.

Sex, whether oral sex or vaginal intercourse, becomes weighted with an infantile need for bodily contact and nurturance, rather than the proper expression of powerful male sexuality.

And as men become aware of these infantile aspects of themselves, they push the woman they are with away, so as to remove themselves from the source of their fear.

In this way, a man’s relationship with his internal mother complex becomes manifest as an alternating attraction and repulsion to the woman he is with in his life now.

But this is not all. A man may experience too much of mother as well as too little. If, as a child, he experiences the inability of his mother to meet his needs, he may develop separation anxiety as an adult.

This is a generalized anxiety that can be existential and unspecific.

Most often it manifests as a fear that he is just not good enough. He may become angry at her: she was not there for him. Then, without understanding why, he becomes angry at women in general.

If his mother was overwhelming, he becomes angry at the implicit violation of his soul which takes place – then, later in life, he responds with anger to anything which appears to mirror the invasion of his soul which took place when he was a child.

As an adult, the women in his life respond to his need for nurturance and then understandably are repelled by his anger when he feels invaded – an anger which is often disproportionate to the woman’s actions.

What Is Love?

Well, what a tough question! Just why do we fall in love? What exactly is it that makes another person so desirable, so attractive that we fall head over heels in love with them? Building love and intimacy is certainly a major part of falling in love.

According to the therapists, we repeat the patterns of our early experience over and over again in later life. So the first person we fall in love with in our life serves as a model for every loving relationship we later have as an adult.

And the first person we fall in love with is usually the opposite sex parent or care-giver who brought us up in the period just after we were born. In other words, as an adult you fall in love with someone like your mother or dad.

Wow! To think that we spend our lives searching out people like our parents!

That is a scary thought! But of course it isn’t that simple, for there are many things that attract us to others, and the impulse to seek out individuals who relate to us like our parents did is just one aspect of human interaction.

There’s an interesting way of looking at human relationships which seems to explain a lot about how loving relationships are maintained after the initial attraction – be it chemical, physical, emotional or pure happenstance – which brings two people together. It’s based on a theory of human needs described by the world of integrative psychotherapy.

Relational needs

The basic idea, then, is that we are all born needing to interact in certain ways with other human beings.

These relational needs are normal and natural, but they are not the same as survival and physical safety needs such as our the need for food, shelter and safety.

Rather, they are needs that grow out of human interaction, and they are present in every relationship. They are not just childhood needs, either – they are present throughout life. And when they are not satisfied, we experience feelings of loneliness, longing, anger, frustration or depression.

By contrast, love is the emotion we feel when these relational needs are fulfilled by another human being. It follows that, first and foremost, people have a relationship because they can satisfy – in some way – each other’s relational needs.

Video – love and relational needs

Or, perhaps more realistically, because each person in the relationship hopes to get his or her own needs satisfied by the other.

So, what are these needs that we all have?

The first is the need for security the need to be emotionally secure, to be free from shame and humiliation, while feeling safe to be emotionally vulnerable.

The second is the need to be accepted for oneself, for what one is, regardless of what that may be in other words, we need to be seen and accepted as “normal”.

The third need is the need to be valued by another person who is significant to us: to be seen as worthwhile and valuable. After all, why would I wish to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t care about me or has no interest in me?

The fourth need is the need to be in the presence of someone similar who can share – or at least relate to – our experience.

And while we can’t possibly expect every person we love to have exactly the same experience as we do, we can at least hope to meet someone who can imagine what it might be like to be in our skin.

Fifthly, we have a need for self-definition. This is the need to be different to “the other”, and to be valued for that difference. This need is seen in the two year old child who seeks to rebel against his parents by saying “no” at every opportunity! (This is the energising impact of the warrior archetype within us. You can read about that here.) But it remains with us all our lives: through the teenage years, through early adulthood, through the mid-life crisis, through old age, we want to be respected for our uniqueness, and allowed to express it in a way that defines us.

And although self-definition is essential for good emotional and mental health, it can only be achieved by reacting against another person, by expressing one’s own wishes: “I want…” , “I like…” , “I don’t want…” , “I don’t like…” and so on.

The sixth need we have is the need to make an impact on another person: to influence another, and to know that we have had some impact on them. Again, this is related to the energy of the warrior archetype.

The frustration experienced by one person who cannot make any impact on the other in a relationship is the most common complaint heard in couples counseling: “He/she never listens to me.” “She/he just doesn’t care.”

The seventh need is the need to have the other person initiate: to initiate contact, whether that is just talking, or proposing action, sex, fun, or sharing experience. While we may be competent adults with the ability to run our lives, we all want, sometimes, the other person to initiate.

Eighth on our list of relational needs is the need to give love: to express our appreciation, our thankfulness, our gratitude for what the other does for us. Not being able to express love denies us the chance to express ourselves, our needs and feelings, and thus denies us self-definition.

And in any case, what could be more natural than to feel love and affection for someone who cares deeply about us?

Sadly, the need to give love is present in all relationships, even abusive ones, which is one reason why people stay in relationships that are not doing them any good.

But as you look at this list, you may be struck by an apparent omission.

For where, in all that, is our obvious need to receive love? Is it not true that we all have a need to be loved?

Yes, we have, and it turns out that feeling loved is actually the sum of the first eight needs.

For when we feel secure, valued, accepted, understood, able to define ourselves, able to make an impact, know the other will initiate, and able to express our love for another, then we will feel loved.

And in proportion to the extent we have the first eight needs met, so we will feel loved.

But is it right to distill the sublime human experience of love into this bare scientific theory? Well, maybe, maybe not. But when all is said and done, people will still go on falling in love.